Dear Social Media
It’s been officially been four months since I’ve broken up with you. The reason is this — the moment I posted something that didn’t authentically feel like me, or when I wasn’t telling the whole truth about an experience in my life… my soul cringed.
But really, how can you authentically tell the WHOLE truth on an app that is designed to grab everyone’s attention instantly, to sell you something, and then somehow be validated as a human through the push of “likes and followers?”
So I decided it was time to “deactivate” my bond with you.
HOW I GOT HOOKED
It’s kind of interesting how you snuck into my life in the first place. Myspace didn’t grab my attention when I was younger…well that is until I was privy to a picture of my ex-boyfriend of 9 years, quickly moving on with a new beautiful woman.
I saw pictures of them kissing and I remember wanting to puke on my computer. I broke into deep sobs in a café in Nicaragua, asking myself if I had made the biggest mistake of my life by ending that relationship and traveling alone for six months in Central America.
And from there, I quickly discovered the delight of “internet stalking, going down the rabbit hole, and retaliation” in my early twenties. I learned to post what I wanted him to see. Back then you couldn’t tell if someone “viewed” your projections of self on “stories.” I made sure that my trip looked f-ing EPIC with pictures that would be perceived as a “bad ass-independent woman who could give two-fucks if he had moved on.”
Then came Facebook and Instagram. Instagram felt like the most addictive of them all. The rapid fire pictures, ads, likes, followers, and comments…can keep you going back for more and more and more. Sort of like cocaine. It feels really good at first, then you drop and get anxious, comparing your life to someone else’s.
You go in wanting that rush of validation that you started with, or those “epic pair of sunglasses” that you just must have, or that soulful gushing from a wellness guru. But generally you end up feeling like shit… or at least I did and I was a pretty moderate user.
As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, all I do day in and day out is listen to humans who are figuring out the path of life. What makes us happy and what snuffs that out. I would say that 99% of my clients report that social media makes them feel awful and most often less than. On social media, the comparing mind is on FIRE. The Not Enough-ness. Not Successful enough. Not doing enough. Pretty Enough. Skinny Enough. Definitely-Not-In-A-Perfect Relationship. Not on the Cover of a Magazine. Not Rich Enough. Or Doing Enough for the World.
And eventually I started to wonder, why can’t people disconnect from their social fix of choice if it makes them feel that bad?
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I MADE THE BREAK
When I got off, my friends asked me if I was “okay”. And I thought to myself, “REALLY?? Is getting off social media somehow not supportive of my mental health or the development of my soul?” I would argue it was quite the opposite.
That said, what disturbed me when I first made the break (and I think most people experience this) was that somehow I was “MISSING OUT” or even worse…. people were missing out on ME!! My vacations, my “funny” thoughts, or accomplishments that would give me a springboard of validation. It makes me more than a bit nauseous to admit, but it’s the vulnerable truth.
Who doesn’t LOVE THAT?!!! Growing up we ALWAYS wanted our parents, our siblings, our friends on the playground to scream loving approval of us. “You are SO RAD! You are SO SMART! Holy SHIT YOU GOT ON VARSITY AND MADE PROM KING?!!!” Which is why I understand why none of us want to get off of it. Sprinkle me with lovvvvve and adoration friends. Let me drink it up for breakfast!! The inner child is alive in all of us. Unless you are enlightened, there are still parts of each of us, you and me, that need healing, love, and validation (which really should come from ourselves in a healthy re-parenting kind of way).
But here is what I experienced these last four months. In the beginning I really did feel like I was “missing out” and I honestly went through a strange withdrawal period. What were my friends doing? Should I still keep my business Instagram going? What about my retreats and workshops? How would I market my work and ideas?
More than anything, it was the compulsive act of scrolling that left me oddly scrambling in down moments. And I’m someone who meditates and practices mindfulness. I don’t say that to toot my own horn, but rather I try to find “stillness” in my mind and in my life.
In a nutshell, the clarity that developed in my mind was uncanny and I knew it was related to my intentional lack of screen time (particularly social media). I wasn’t getting bombarded by overwhelming information. I wasn’t comparing anymore. I wasn’t “thinking in terms of Instagram” (as one of my brilliant friends coined it). Instead I became the observer — watching people getting “the right shot” at a dinner party “with influential people” who would help their following (I live in LA;).
Or our basic inability to just BE PRESENT WITH AN EXPERIENCE. It sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt FREE. It felt like the biggest fuck you to big corporations who want to brainwash us that we need things or to be “powerful influencers” to be happy, feel alive, or more whole. We don’t need ANY of that to feel whole, connected, and filled with joy. If anything it can create quite the opposite. A feeling of disconnection. A feeling of loneliness. A feeling of overwhelm. Filling our time with mindless activity instead of having meaningful conversations and relationships. Not to mention that studies have shown that we are quite literally rewiring our brains …. and that is slightly terrifying.
WHERE I’VE LANDED
I DON’T THINK YOU ARE A BAD PERSON, OR ANYONE IS, FOR BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I like to think of myself as a kind, sensitive person, with a big heart who really just wants to help people while I walk this path on earth. I think that many people are on it with good intentions. It can be VERY helpful in spreading mass messages, promoting activism, and giving people a voice, who wouldn’t normally have a voice or platform.
As another wise friend of mine said, “it is a new language that we are speaking.” I just think that we all need to remember that this language is layered and nuanced with heavy marketing, apps that are designed to be addictive, and it’s candy for the brain.
Moderation is a difficult task once you put your hand on the slot machine that offers shiny things, validation from the masses, “friends”, more money, “power” and fame. It is my hope that I can engage in a mindful relationship with social media, one that has deep boundaries, and hopefully I gain something from informative posts and others might get the same. And through this approach, for all of us to regain our basic ability to just be present with our experience.